Category Archives: My Journal

I Can’t Feel God

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What do you do when you stop feeling God?

I feel Him often. It’s like this presence at my right side that I just know He’s there. When I pray, my prayer life is very visual and with a depth of feeling. And then one day…it stopped.

I could pray for others and He would show me and direct me in ministering to them without struggle but for myself…I couldn’t “feel” Him.

I know this may raise some eyebrows but I hope you’ll continue to read.

The pain I felt in not “feeling” Him was beyond words. I looked frantically at my life for what I had done wrong. Why had He left me? I knew He hadn’t. That would go against His word but it felt as if He had. Days passed into weeks and weeks into months and I reached a point of decision. I knew the truth. Would I choose to believe the truth I knew or how I was feeling? I looked back on my life and all the ways God had been so present, the answers to prayers, the divine appointments and words spoken over me that could have only been from Him. Was He still the same God?

Yes.

I made the decision to press into His Word, His Truth. I knew who He had been to me and trusted that even though I couldn’t “feel” Him that He was still with me and for me. I wish I could say that in that moment of decision that the gates of heaven opened up and I felt Him with an overwhelming rush. But things stayed as they were.

One day as I sat on the carpet working on my laptop, I felt Him. I felt almost every emotion all at once and all of a sudden. Tossing my laptop to the side I put my face down and just cried. I asked where He was. I asked what I had done.

His response…He had never left me, I hadn’t done anything.

In that place of feeling His presence again He spoke to my heart. That time of not “feeling” Him was a time for me to grow in what I knew to be true and lean on the truth versus the feeling. It was the time for me to not rely on the gifts He’s entrusted to me but to stand, rest, walk and hide in His truth.

The gifts He entrusts to us are good! They draw us to Him and minister to others. But the gifts are gifts…not God. For some of us the way we are gifted we can run the risk of trusting those gifts more than Him. We can lose our way by looking to those gifts for answers instead of looking to Him.

Looking back at that time for me I see with more clarity what He was doing. Preparing me for more of Him and strength in those gifts.

I couldn’t “feel” Him and it scared me so I ran to His Word. I ate it up like a starved child and out of that filling He used me even more with others and the gifts He normally works through me got stronger. And my heart softened even more. We don’t want anyone to go to hell but have we stopped to think that there are so many living hell here on earth? To not be in his presence…

Now does this mean we run from the gifts? No! They are from Him! For me it was a path to more of Him in those gifts, more of Him in me and through me. But before the increase in the gifts He first wanted me solid on what was at the head, the lead… Him or the gifts. I love His gifts that He so richly gives! I love seeing the body of Christ move in all gifts and encourage each other. It still never gets old when I look into the eyes of a person ministered and encouraged through the Holy Spirits moving. It still rocks my world how He opens the gates of heaven to us! Yes, I know that are many that are so fearful they attempt to control the gifts and the Holy Spirit and therefore miss out. But there are also many who chase the gifts and neglect the Gift Giver. Chase Him above all things!

In whatever gifts He’s entrusted you with remember this…

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

~Brenda Renderos

Until then…

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She could feel herself sinking deeper. Deeper into the thickness of doubt. Would her time ever come? Would she ever be set free from the box of presumed destiny into the open waters of what she had long felt called to? Her life had been one of standing on the shore. Yearning to give herself to the waters. Her time would come. That’s what she told herself.

She would spend her days on that shore carefully throwing starfish back into the sea. With each one a smile would emerge. A starfish home. A starfish given a second chance. A starfish free of the shore, free to live its destiny.

One day. One day her time would come. Until then…”

She would walk along the shore and find the stranded souls. The soul wounded. The soul searching for who it was. She’d embrace, nurture and watch their lights come back. Then just like those starfish she would watch those souls, those lights go back to the waters. Free of the shore. Free to be who they were meant to be.

One day. One day her time would come.

One day the light she carried would no longer be held captive to the shore. One day the life that had been spoken over her would be granted and set free onto the seas. One day someone would notice. Someone would care and gently pick her up as those starfish and with belief in her…throw her into the waters of life and destiny.

Until then…

She would spend her days on the shore soaking in the rays of the promise maker and trusting Him with the promise made.

Until then …

She would tenderly care for the stranded starfish and gently bring back the lights of the faded souls.

Until then…

She would dwell on the shore and gaze upon the waters. And with a slight smile her heart would take joy in those free in the sea of their destiny.

Until then…

~Brenda Renderos

Rhyme or Reason

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They say we pick our friends. Do we? Always?

I prayed and prayed and along the way lost hope you’d ever come. Here you stand now and I’m confused. Where did you come from? How did this happen? How did the walls of mistrust and curtain of vulnerability begin to crumble and pull back.

You’ve been here awhile. Longer than most. I anticipate your departure but you don’t leave. Why? Everyone leaves. Yet here you are, standing still.

You’ve loved when I was unlovable. You’ve embraced when my body was cold and stiff. You’ve stood strong when I pushed away. You spoke truth when I believed the lies. You’ve cried with me and made me cry. You’ve laughed with me and made me laugh. You’ve seen me and haven’t turned your face away.

You can’t stay. Nobody stays. It’s my lot in life. Or is it? Was that the lie? That what I prayed for would never come? And that if it did…it would never stay.

Why are you still here? When I’ve had nothing to offer, why didn’t you leave? When I let you down, why didn’t you turn away?

That’s not who you are you say? Then who are you?!

You answer… Friend. True and in truth… Friend.

They say we pick our friends. But what if we’re to blind to see each other? Does He draw us in? Some friendships have no rhyme or reason to them. Some don’t seem to fit. But yet in the way outside of normalcy…they fit perfectly. The lack of rhyme and reason becomes the most poetic of rhymes and vibrant of reasons.

Friend. I like that warmth. You came. You stayed. I’ll stay too.

Who’s that friend that through so much has been there for you? She hasn’t bailed when you know she had every right to. He stood strong by your side when you were weak and scared. She cried with you and he laughed with you. No rhyme or reason why. Instead of trying to figure it out, take the time and hug that one tight! Do it now. Wrap your arms around them, shoot them a text, pick up the phone, buy them a card…whatever it is…don’t over think it, just do it :) . Don’t anticipate their departure. Instead embrace them today. Love them today. No rhyme or reason…has to be the most beautiful song my heart has ever heard.

~Brenda Renderos

Instagram:: @brenrenderos || FB:: Brenda Renderos || T:: @brenrenderos

The One Regret

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You assumed I’d always be there. That I’d never leave. You were right.

If I had it my way, I would have never left and I’d be there now. And maybe all those “next time”, “we’ll see” moments would have come to pass.

But I’m no longer there. I had to leave. Such is life with beginning and end.

We didn’t get that coffee or take that run. Time was not on our side. But you still have time!

I assumed I would have tomorrow with you. That was my comfort. I assumed you’d always be. That was my assurance.

But the one regret I leave with is that I assumed instead of cherished.

~Brenda Renderos (from my daily run)

FB:: Brenda Renderos  |  T:: @brenrenderos  |  Instagram:: @brenrenderos

Trading His Crown for a Cap

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Standing ready to minister and pray for people this thought came to me.

Don’t trade My crown for a cap.

Random!

Throughout the week since then the thought has lingered. Floating around in the pool of my mind. Not trying to figure it out but it just there. Then it happened.

What does a cap represent? Baseball? Well as Americans that’s definitely our first go to but this particular morning He showed me an array of caps. In my mind a picture of not just various caps but hats in general came floating down. The cap we wear often speaks something of what we do. I wear the cap of ministry but also as wife and mom. How often I’ve said, “time to put my mom cap on”. Not that it’s ever really off. I also wear the cap of friend. Of student…my thinking cap?

That’s life right? Yes. But in that downpour of caps I looked for the crown. The crown of His hand and plan on me. How easy it can be for that crown to get lost in the midst of all those caps. And without realizing it how we can get sucked into the age old dream of building our empires of achievements. We wear the caps and neglect His crown for us.

What’s your cap? Career? Education? Dreams? Kids? Marriage? Travel? Those are all good and worthwhile pursuits!! But would you trade His crown in for those caps?

Would I? Have I? Search our hearts oh God! Search us.

Brenda Renderos