You Have Permission

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Man, my kids have been through the ringer with loss in the last year.

Today our cat passed away. A pet is never just a pet and this one had his own “flavor”. Everyone loved him! He was old but this was still sudden. While this was our second pet to leave us due to old age there’s also been some other heavy losses for our family.

What do you tell your kids when they stand there with tears in their eyes desperately trying not to cry? You tell them to cry.

What I’ve seen my kids learn through this past year is to allow themselves the gift of feeling. Feeling those emotions that can be fearful and so often not understood in the moment. They’ve learned it’s okay to cry, to be upset and to ask why. They’ve learned as well that not every “why” will be greeted with an answer. And…if so inclined…it’s ok to smile or laugh in the midst of the grief.

It’s ok.

In our home we give each other permission to feel. To embrace the moment and be present in it. In fact, if you’re caught running from the moment…we let you know and encourage you back. Why? Because these are the moments we learn who we are in the depths of hearts and who God is in that place.

The evening ended with popcorn and the incredibly annoying voices of the chipmunks 2 movie. But we laughed. We cried, we hugged, we prayed and we laughed. And that is ok.

One of the most valuable gifts we can give our children is the permission to feel. Guide them through the emotions but if we don’t give them permission to feel then there’s nothing to guide them through.

As I reflect, a question comes to mind. Have you given yourself permission to feel? I know that “feeling” can be a scary ride to depths maybe you’ve never traveled but without that journey you’ll never experience healing.

So for whoever this is for…give yourself permission to feel.

It’s ok.

~Brenda Renderos

Let’s connect on Facebook and Twitter.

Pleas help me get to Cambodia 2012

Chaos, Confusion and Fear

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“His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.” John 2:5
(Read John 2 for context)

Have you ever been in that place of utter confusion? Life has become chaotic whether it be because of work, school, relationships or family. And as the storms rage around us, there’s a feeling of chaos. Not just from the outward circumstances but a chaos within. That chaos breeds confusion and confusion breeds fear. And in all of that comes that common question…what do I do?

V.5 is speaking towards Jesus turning water into wine but those wise words of his momma speak to us as well.

Each of us are tackling something in life. I have some areas of my life I’m about to embark on that have been a lifelong dream for me. In all honesty…I’m scared. Each of us has something.

So when the question emerges from the chaos, confusion and fear…what do I do…here’s the answer.

“Whatever He says to you, do it.”

And oh how well we know He rarely, if ever gives the whole plan layed out. So do what? Do the next thing He gives. Don’t worry about the step after that. Just do whatever He says to do.

In Cambodia last year the leaders knew the plan but not the team and we had to go moment by moment. It will probably be the same this year and my co-leader and I are encouraging our team to be ready to go moment by moment. What a reflection of the seasons of our lives no matter what country we are in. Sometimes it’s moment by moment with our Father. Embrace it.

Take a moment if you can and close your eyes. What is that situation, person, concern or distraction in your life right now. Bring it to Him. Bring it, take your hands off and wait…listen.

And…”whatever He says to you, do it.”

~Brenda Renderos

Please partner with me for Cambodia 2012 and let’s connect on Facebook and Twitter.

Retreat?

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Two years ago a decision I made totally and completely altered the direction my life was going! I decided to start coming out from under and behind and start standing in who I was in Christ. To allow the truth of who I was, am, go beyond knowledge in my head and warm fuzzies in my heart but to actually live my life…alive!

So much has changed during these past couple of years. There have been tremendous mountains conquered and painfully deep hurts lived. I’m sitting here reflecting over the journey and what has only been a couple of years seems like at least 10!

Why the reflection? Whenever a new season is about to begin I’ve noticed this time of reflection comes. A pause to take in the actual steps of transition that are occurring.

Looking towards the future can be an overwhelming. Especially if the future holds some pretty big plans. And when that happens the temptation can be to run back. Run back to the safe place of who we were.

I’m sitting here surrounded by forms and binders that represent each new thing in my future in some way. Am I nervous. Ummm YES!! Have I had moments I thought of running back instead of forward? Ummm YESSSS!!! But you reach a point in life where you just know. You know that although He will never stop loving you and will still bless you, that if you don’t follow His lead you will forever regret it.

With the changes that are coming in my life you can be sure I will be journaling through them.

One change that’s officially here…I’m co-leading a team to Cambodia this summer! I posted a brief video recently regarding my trip. I would love to take you on the journey with me! You’ve been a few places with me already so how about this part of my journey.

I’m still in need of help to pay my way so each post I write up until the day I depart will have a link to the page with how you can partner with me financially if that is something in your heart to do.

So…ready? Here’s to not retreating into who we were. But running into who we are becoming.

~Brenda Renderos

Brenda to Cambodia 2012 :: Let’s connect on Facebook and Twitter

The Slow Drip Of…

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The blow upon blow of feeling alone and misunderstood.

The pounding of frustration and dismay.

Until the heart finally cracks and there,

from the abyss of its heartbreak escapes its joy.

Instead, the slow drip of tears and sadness land.

Drop after drop until the heart is flooded and begins to drown.

Oh God, come and save.

The waters of sorrow are drowning.

The weight of loneliness is crushing.

Standing where You pointed but now feeling misunderstood.

You know. We are Your creation.

Be help. Restore joy.

If this is you then not only does my heart go out and my arms wish to embrace you but my prayers are going up for you. At some point in our lives we have or will know this dark place. Hold on to the truth…allow the truth to hold on us…His light chases away the darkness.

~Brenda Renderos

Martyr or Savior?

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Grace.

I love what someone in our after message group, Last Call, said.

I’ve stopped trying to understand everything about God. I can’t. I just know He loves me, and His grace is for me.

I know this person, and in no way is he saying he’s just going to follow blindly. He was saying… I surrender all. Thinking about it still gives me goosebumps!

As the conversation continued we traveled back a bit. Back to the place where grace came packaged in a man named Jesus of Nazareth. The focus is often the death of our Lord. What He endured for us on that cross that we…I should’ve been on instead is beyond me!

But then a low-voiced question boomed through the conversation. A low voice from someone who has a rather booming voice. I wonder if he knew that the question itself was loud enough.

Is it His death that mattered so much?

What?! Ahh! I shifted in my seat as I was reminded where the victory came in. Running with what he said I asked the group.

If Jesus had died for us and it ended with His death, what would that have made Him?

Response: A martyr

Our world has known many martyrs and while through some of their sacrifices of life have come great change…not one has brought the gift of being saved by faith through grace in Jesus (Ephesians 2:8-9). No, it took more than death.

It took living again!

Jesus lived and died but because He was without sin He was not subject to the penalty which is death. He not only paid the penalty for us but ushered in that second chance to Life. He lived again.

What a resounding reminder of the beauty of grace. The beauty that we are offered the chance to live alive now. Not just live the day in and day out of life just being life. But living alive, aware, vibrant, free…ALIVE! The beauty that although our flesh will die here one day we will live again with Him.

He lived, He died and He lived again. I now can live my life alive. Not fear death. And look forward to living again with Him.

~Brenda Renderos

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From Victim to Victor (A Blog Response)

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A few days ago I wrote a blog entitled, “Victim, Survivor or…“

In it I said:

Don’t call me a victim. I’m not.

Don’t call me a survivor. I’m not.

You may though, call me a VICTOR! Because I am!!

God won in me.

Someone responded to that blog. A deep vulnerable response. And with her permission I’d like to share that response with you.

From Victim to Victor
Kari Herreman
“But when we allow the power of God’s grace and love to come in, He finds a way to work the miraculous out in us in only a way that He can.”

The word people most often use to describe me is “strong”. Human strength comes by conditioning circumstances, so there is some truth in that. My pastor, Dan Carroll, told me last year in his office that I was a survivor. At the time, he was right. I was barely standing in the midst of the largest storm I had ever faced… and I have weathered some pretty tough storms in my lifetime.

Before I was a survivor, I was a victim. I used the term to protect myself, and to speak out against more wounding. I built myself a nice strong wall with that term, and found myself imprisoned by it. Allowing myself to be a victim required me to give control of my emotions and perceptions to the people who had hurt me in the first place. I never got to leave the place of wounding, and victimhood was no soothing medication. I got hungry for healing, and decided to climb over the wall I had built.

I learned to survive. I depended upon that “strength” people seemed to think I had. Determined to overcome the pain that was beginning to pour out of me, I took it on and began to deal with it the best way I could. During this phase of my life, I earned 2 college degrees and took on a teaching job in one of the toughest neighborhoods in Southern California. I ran 3 marathons and 6 half marathons. I pushed myself academically, in my career, in running, in parenting, in everything that mattered to me. I was determined to prove that I could overcome the challenges I had faced. I did not need God, and no one could tell me otherwise. I believed He had allowed me to be wounded so deeply, so I would do this life thing without him. He let me, for a while. It never once occurred to me during that time that it was taking an awful lot of energy to satisfy my hunger for healing. I learned a lot, and developed a few skills, but the ache was still there. As a survivor, I was just as bent on vindication as I had been as a victim.

Today, I can say that I am a Victor instead of a survivor or a victim. I can say that I have found a source of strength that is never depleted. I found this in the midst of the greatest storm life has ever thrown me, and it knocked me to my knees. The storm still surrounds me. I have not resolved all of my “stuff”. What I have discovered is Jesus. Jesus is already victorious, and he graciously allows me to share it with him. I do not need to cling to my own survival methods, or cloak myself in victimhood. I can share in the victory of my Lord and Savior, who gives gracefully and generously from his plentiful supply. I stand in HIS strength, when my weaknesses shatter me. This applies to everyday life, not just the hereafter.

In the last year I have walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and believe me, I have feared evil. Yet, as I have grown in this romance with Jesus, he has whispered perspective to me through his very own lenses. “Behold, I the Lord will fight for you.” My wounds were not sent from an angry and punitive God, like I once believed. They were not even sent from the people who had participated in the wounding. They have been the attacks of an enemy who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. I have been taken up, protected, and blessed with favor by the Most High King in the midst of those attacks, and given the tools to handle them, even when I didn’t know it at the time.

When I was a victim, I chose to hide from wounding. When I was a survivor, I chose to fight back. Now that I am a victor, I am no longer defined by my own strength, but by the goodness and grace of a loving God. I am defined by the power of a big and mighty God. When I was a survivor, I believed God wanted to abuse me into submission. Now I see that he was simply waiting for me to let Him succeed where I was failing. He was waiting to direct me into the places he had specially designed and prepared for me. He loved me enough, respected me enough, not to force me there. Life took me there. The enemy targeted me and hit a few big places. The Lord took such an opportunity to show me his overwhelming goodness and his unconditional love.

I am a Victor, because I am named by my Savior among the victorious. My identity, my destiny, and my children are claimed and named as His own forever, and he demonstrates it on a daily basis. The enemy throws his darts. The world sometimes tries to convince me that it can swallow me whole. I don’t have to worry, because He has already overcome both.

~Kari Herreman